Today I am very excited to present a guest post from Satan. He will be sharing “Satan’s seven slimming secrets” with you. You might know him as the Devil, Beelzebub, the Prince of darkness or Lucifer. Some of you might already know him really well, others might not even believe that he exists. In fact, some people say that the biggest trick that Satan ever played was convincing the World that he didn’t exist. I have spent time with him occasionally over the years, but to be honest, I try to avoid him if possible. I know he won’t mind me saying this because he sees it as a bit of a challenge by trying to pop up in my life and influence me.
IMPORTANT: Satan has some weight loss solutions to share with you. First of all please read the following disclaimer:
DISCLAIMER: Please do not follow Satan’s advice without thinking fully about what he is saying. Do not rush out and follow the techniques without carefully considering whether the advice is valid for you as an individual. Satan is not a qualified health care practitioner. He does not hold relevant licenses. He has no official approval from any regulatory body on this planet. If, at the end of the article you are struggling to evaluate any of the recommendations, please ask someone to explain the points to you.
So, without further ado, here are Satan’s Seven Slimming Secrets:
Hi everyone, I am Satan. Some of you will be very familiar with my work, others will hardly be aware of me at all. I just hope that you can join me on my path. Please don’t think too much about the details of what I am saying, just follow me. In fact I can confidently say that more people follow me than almost any other entity that you might read about online. Millions of people follow my advice every day! How about that for social proof? Millions of people already follow these seven steps on a daily basis.
By doing so they become closer to me, my tribe is huge, expanding and is increasing in influence both online and offline.
So, read the seven slimming secrets that I have to share with you, don’t think too deeply about them, and carry on with your life. These techniques are certainly tried and tested. Many of you will be able to follow them effortlessly. There will be those of you who already do these things. I will reward you in due course…
So here are the seven slimming secrets from me, Satan.
- Do not bother with whole foods. Always eat processed foods. You have a busy life, who can find time to prepare and chop vegetables? Who wants to slave away in the kitchen? Why do this when there are factories and fast food establishments that can do the work for you? We might get run over by a bus tomorrow so why worry about what we eat? Right?
- Exercise is for losers. I bet you are getting plenty of exercise just keeping up with your busy lives… Right? I mean, after taking care of the kids, rushing around getting ready for work, having a stressful day in traffic and fighting with co-workers… Who wants to go to the gym? What kind of nut even has time to work out? If you spend valuable time in exercise, then something else has to give. I mean do you really want to miss out on your favorite TV series? Or catching up on social media? These are 2 of the only things in life that give us happiness right?
- Stay away from positive people. I mean, these “holier than thou” fake positive personality people. Deep down they are more unhappy than you are! They have just got really good at pretending. They do not enjoy eating their rabbit food. They are always experiencing injuries and muscle pain. Positive people have fooled themselves and are now trying to fool you. Do not fall for their tricks.
- Do not think about your overall health. Have you ever felt a bit ill, then gone online and started researching? Before you know it you have identified about 10 illnesses that fit your symptoms… Avoid that annual check up at the doctor. They are like car mechanics. They are bound to find something wrong with you… Then before you know it you will be popping pills and having more tests. It is much better to do whatever you feel like with no thought for tomorrow. After all, stress is just as bad for you as junk food or cigarettes, right? Which brings me to my next point…
- If you have some little pleasure like a smoking habit or you like getting drunk, just enjoy it. We have all heard of the chain-smoking old man who lived to a hundred. It is better for the candle to burn twice as bright for half as long anyway right? What is the point of living if you can’t enjoy yourself. The people who are trying to persuade you to quit these habits are just jealous. Tell them to get over it.
- If you must pursue goals, pursue immediate ones. I am not a fan of goal setting or goal achieving full stop. Why put off till tomorrow what we can do today? Spiritual people (like myself) will tell you to “live in the now”. What part of that do you not understand? What is the point of dreaming of a better life in 1 year, or even 5 years? If you do this you are not a goal achiever you are a dreamer. The best way to achieve goals? Pick easily achievable goals! Right now, what do you feel like? Cracking open a beer? Ordering a family sized pizza just for yourself? Just do it. You are a grown up. You do not have to answer to anyone.
- I struggled with choosing number seven. I have so much to teach you, to pick just seven slimming secrets is hard. I like the number seven though, It has personal significance for me. So, I will pick one at random, because this is how life works anyway. Like a giant lottery. So, number seven is: Always follow the path of least resistance. In the end, we all die and will be forgotten in this World. So why fight or struggle? Just chill out and let life unfold. You have little or no control over your life anyway. With your genetics, the social and economic circumstances of your childhood, the influences around you, what chance do you have. Whatever you are, whoever you are, just accept it. Stop fighting the hand of fate. Go with the flow.
I am sure that many of you will be already following these suggestions. Some of you might be relieved that you are exactly on the right track. My interest here is guiding you down my path so that we can spend more time together and form a closer bond. Thanks for reading and see you soon!
OK, Jason here… In life we should always keep an open mind and consider the views of others. We also need to respect differences of opinion. I want to go on record as saying I do not endorse any of these seven weight loss suggestions. I know that different thing sometimes work for different people… But I want to go on record as saying:
The opinions of Satan do not represent the my own opinions. In fact this advice is not endorsed by Fat Loss Mentality in any way, shape or form.
In fact I would even go as far as to say, do the opposite of what Satan suggests. I think that there is a lesson here. Do not simply follow diet tips or listen to advice without our own brains in gear. Whether it is Satan’s seven slimming secrets, or anyone else’s, we need to decide if the advice is good for us. We should take personal responsibility for what we eat or how we treat our own bodies. I respectfully do not think that I will be inviting this particular guest poster back to the site.